What happened to me?

Can I be honest? I don’t know what the hell is going on with me lately.

I cannot get my ass out of bed.

I used to get up at 4 a.m. to work out.

Who even was that girl?

Because the woman currently sleeping in and sitting on her couch drinking coffee and scrolling Instagram for an hour and a half sure as hell isn’t her.

It’s starting to mess with my head. I keep asking myself, “What the hell happened to me?”

I know surgery changed things. The last year and a half has been pain, recovery, physical therapy, and learning to trust my body again.

And let’s be real. It’s hard to get excited about lifting when your workout consists of ten-pound dumbbells.

But that doesn’t fully explain why I can’t even seem to get started. Because it’s not just workouts. I keep visualizing all the things I say I want to do.

CAPM certification.

Paint the half bath.

Write my memoir.

Create.

And then…

I sit.

Am I a procrastinator now? I’m planning. I got plans. I’m not initiating. Oh dear gawd, I’m a procrastiplanner!

I don’t know if anyone else has gone through this, but it’s like somewhere along the way I lost my mojo and I haven’t figured out how to get it back.

I keep waiting to wake up and feel like myself again. To suddenly want to jump out of bed and attack the day.

But that’s not happening. And to quote Mel Robbin’s “no one is coming to save me.”

Ugh. After months of slowing down, recovering, and protecting my hip, I think my brain got really comfortable conserving energy.

Because right now, the couch sounds better than almost everything.

And then I feel guilty because I know how much time I’m wasting.

I know what I could be doing. I know what I want. I feel stuck.

Like my body and my brain are speaking two different languages.

I do know one thing.

I’ve spent so much time trying to get back to the woman I was that I haven’t left much room to figure out who I am now.

Ironically, I found the thing that finally made me stop scrolling…while I was doomscrolling.

The quote said:

“If you haven’t felt like yourself lately, maybe you’re growing.”

I don’t know if that’s true.

But it’s a hell of a lot kinder than asking myself, What happened to me?

Oh, and I finally worked out today. At lunch. Just me and my ten-pound dumbbells.

I’m curious…

Have you ever gone through a season where you didn’t recognize yourself?

Did you spend your energy trying to get the old version of you back?

Or did you discover your next chapter looked nothing like you expected?